Cullen Holidays
by Johnny Emm
Summary: How do the Cullen's celebrate the holidays? Find out in my series of one-shots for every holiday I can think of or remember. Rated T for language and themes.
1. Christmas 2009

Merry Christmas! Ho ho ho! Well, I may be a little early, but I'm going to hell, I mean Florida for Christmas for a week. WITHOUT INTERNET ACCESS! Ugg. But enough about me. I would like to thank AllApologies451994 because I based this story off of her "unique" form of comedy.

* * *

"Emmett, it's not gonna fit!" Alice screamed.

"This was the smallest tree I could find!" I shouted back. "It has to fit!"

"There's a smaller one about forty miles north-east. Go get that one."

I threw the tree as far as I could. "Dammit! I hate Christmas!"

"Come on Emmett," Jasper said walking out of the house. "Get in the holiday spirit."

"That's easy for you to say. You didn't have to spend an hour uprooting trees just to remember that you know somebody who can_ see_ a tree that will actually fit in the door!"

"You didn't ask," Alice called from her room window.

"UGH!" I screamed. "You two are so annoying." I ran off to get the stupid tree.

* * *

"Bella, where are we going?" I asked.

"We have to do our Christmas shopping. With Renesmee and the whole transformation, I wasn't able to do any shopping last year. So, technically, this is my first vampire Christmas."

"Don't you mean vampire and _werewolf_ Christmas," I said with disgust.

Bella slapped me. "Edward! Stop being so mean to Jacob. He's part of the family now."

I rubbed my cheek. "Ow!"

"Not to mention, we needed to get you away from everyone else so you wouldn't see what they got you."

I rolled my eyes. "Christmas is still a week away. They can't hide their thoughts forever."

"No. But I can keep you away from their thoughts for a week."

My spirits lifted. "And what exactly will we be doing for a week?"

Bella slapped me again. "Nice try, Edward. We're gonna race."

"Race?"

"Yeah. A foot race. First to Texas and back wins. Sound good?"

"It depends. What does the winner get?"

"Alice is planning a very special present for the loser. But you're not gonna know what it is," she said in a singsong voice.

"Damn." I thought I was gonna get something out my favorite catalog: the kamasutra.

I hate Christmas.

* * *

"Hi Renesmee," I said walking into my room. "What are you doing here?"

"Auntie Rose, can I ask you something?"

I sat down on my bed next to her. "Of course you can. What is it."

"What's a pussy?"

I felt my eyes widen and my jaw dropped. "Uh... Um..." I cleared my throat, even though it's impossible for anything to be there. "Where did you hear that?"

"Uncle Emm said Jasper was one."

Not my kid, not my problem. Not my kid, not my problem. "Well, why don't you wait until Daddy gets home next and ask him."

She stared at me unconvinced. "It's something bad, isn't it?"

"Yes, and I'm sure your Dad would love to know what Uncle Emm said. But for now, go play with your toys."

She sighed and got off the bed, just in time for the Mutt to walk through the door.

"Get out of here! You're gonna stink up my room!"

"Ha ha. Aren't you supposed to be sucking the happiness out of the world somewhere else?" He picked up Renesmee.

I rolled my eyes. "Hey, where were you? Just leaving Renesmee to walk around alone."

"I had to use the bathroom. I didn't wanna leave my scent in the house, so I went in the woods."

"I don't need the specifics, dog."

"You're the one who asked."

...(Arguing continues)

* * *

I looked into the sun and sighed. "Isn't this great?"

"Absolutely. When was the last time we got to spend time alone like this?" Esme asked.

"A good thirty, maybe forty years."

"Wow. It was sure nice of Bella to suggest we take a vacation."

I chuckled. "I think after living with us for a year, she figured that we were in desperate need for a break."

She laughed.

This was the second time either of us we're on Isle Esme. The first time is when I bought it. I realized as I laid on the beach in the sun next to my wife that we need to do this more often. Maybe once a year; every Christmas. Maybe even twice a year...

"Do you mind if I take my top off?"

Definitely two times a year.

I love Christmas.

* * *

I burst into the clearing and my heart sank. Bella was already standing on the porch, smiling. I sighed.

"What took you so long?"

"That's no fair. You cheated."

"I did not! You just can't admit you lost. And I never said how far into Texas you were supposed to go."

I sighed again. Okay, I'll admit it. I got lost. Instead of reaching the high point of the state, I ended up going to far East and wasted at least a couple hours. Maybe even a day.

"Are you ready for you're special present, Edward?" Alice said walking out of the house.

I saw it in her head.

Dammit.

* * *

We all sat around the tree that I singlehandedly set up and decorated. Granted, it only took half a minute, but it would have been nice if at least one person asked to help.

I looked around trying to find something to distract me. Alice made it very clear that if any of us slipped with our thoughts, she was gonna take our gifts back. Little bitch.

Edward chuckled from my thoughts and I looked over at him. I burst laughing. He glared at me.

"Don't say a word," he said while shooting daggers at me.

I put my hands over my mouth. Edward was wearing a shirt that said "Team Jacob." I had no idea what it meant, but it seemed ironic to me.

"Where did you get the cool shirt, Edward?" I said, suppressing giggles.

"I found it online," Alice said from behind me. "Bella made a bet with Edward and he lost."

My eyes widened. "Really? Bella, I never knew you were a betting woman."

Edward glared at me again. "Not _your_ type of bet, Emmett."

"Enough talk," Alice said. "It's time for presents! Edward, you're first."

"Why me?"

"So we can stop trying to hide our thoughts. I don't know f you know this, but Emmett has a hard time staying foucused."

I turned when I heard my name. "Is someone talking about me?"

Alice rolled her eyes. "Just shut up and give Edward your gift."

I smiled. "My pleasure."

I grabbed the small cookie sized box from under the tree and handed it to Edward. "It's for both of you."

He lifted it like it was a bomb. "Something tells me I don't wanna open this."

"Just do it. But don't forget the card."

He opened the small envelope and read the card I wrote. "Dear Edward and Bella, what's in this box could change your lives forever. But I'm a little late in getting it to you... Merry Christmas."

I sat back ready to run as he opened the box. To my surprise, when he lifted the lid of the box, he laughed. Bella, on the other hand, was mad.

"Emmett! What the hell?!"

I laughed with Edward. He reached into the box and pulled out the condom.

"Hey Renesmee, it looks like Emmett doesn't like you very much."

She turned in Jacob's lap to glare at me. "Emmett, you pussy!"

The room went silent.

Oh crap.

* * *

After a long _discussion_, everyone decided to take away my gifts, which I think is a little bit too much.

The next half hour was spent with everyone else giving "practical gifts." Alice gave everyone clothes. (Of course.) Jasper took credit for Alice's gifts as well, saying they were from the both of them. The truth was probably that he didn't want to go out shopping with humans. Rose gave everyone a Christmas hat with their names written on them. Bella's gifts were all specific to the person, but I wasn't paying enough attention to find out what they were. I was waiting for them to open _my_ presents.

"Is it my turn yet?"

"No," Alice said angrily. She was more mad about Renesmee's language then Bella was. Don't ask me why. "Jacob has to go first."

"Umm," Jacob said. "I've been kinda busy, and wasn't able to get anything. Sorry."

Alice rolled her eyes. "Fine. You can go, Emmett."

I clapped my hands. "Great!"

I started with Jacob, just because he was sitting next to me.

I grabbed the box and put it in his lap.

"It's not gonna explode or anything, is it?"

"Don't worry. This is something you need."

"That doesn't answer the question."

Despite being viably scared, he opened the box. He looked confused. As he pulled the bottle out of the box, Rose started cracking up.

"What is it?"

"It's bath scents. Let's face it: you're stinking up the place."

He threw the bottle at my head. I caught it easily. "Nice try, wolf boy. But you'll have to do a lot better than that. Now on to Jasper..."

"Emmett, no!" Alice screamed at me as I grabbed the box. I forgot about the stupid psychic.

"Jasper! Think fast!" I threw the box at him. He caught it and then ran away. I started laughing.

"What was in that?" Bella asked.

"Blood," Alice said. "What the hell were you thinking?"

"What? I got him something I knew he'd want."

"That is kinda funny," Edward said.

"Shut up, Team Jacob."

He growled.

"Don't think I forgot about you Alice," I said.

"Hey! What about me?" Rose asked.

"Don't worry. You'll get your present later." I winked at her. She giggled.

I got up and sat down at the computer. I logged on and headed toward the website.

Alice must have seen what I was doing cause she gasped. "Oh, Emmett."

I smiled. "You're welcome."

She ran over to me. I logged in and her jaw dropped.

"Oh my God! Where did you get all that money?"

"A couple bets here, a few threats there. It seemed like the best thing to get you."

"You're so right. Move over."

She pushed me onto the floor and started straight away ordering things.

I had gotten her an account on a website that sends clothes directly from France in less than a week. I have already put in some cash for it. I won't say how much, but I will say that it'll probably be enough for about a year. And that's with Alice shopping!

I stood up feeling like everything was right again. Granted, the night started off a little rocky for me, but I pulled through.

"He Emmett," Bella called. I turned towards her. "If you want, you can still open me and Edward's gift to you." She held out a box.

I took it. I lifted the lid and dropped the box while screaming. They laughed at me.

"That's not funny!" It was a bear.

"Actually, I think it is. Don't you Edward?"

"I do."

"Do you think we should go celebrate our Christmas?"

"I do."

"Great! Emmet, you don't mind cleaning all of this up, do you? Thanks."

Then they left. They make fun of the way I almost died and then they make me clean up.

I hate Christmas.

* * *

I hoped you like it! So yeah. There's a review button, but it's ot that important for this story. I'm gonna write a chapter for each holiday.


	2. Valentine's Day 2010

Well, I hate Valentine's Day. So this story has almost no aspects of love, because love sucks and is only three letters away from hate. So happy VD. PS: If there's a contest for it, nominate me for best opening line.

* * *

"Valentine's Day sucks!"

"Jeez, Emmett. Do you hate every holiday?" Edward asked me.

"Pretty much. When you've been around for hundreds of them, they start to get boring."

"But you haven't even been around for _one_ hundred," Jasper remarked. "I think you just have a stronger version of A.D.D."

"I'm not that stupid. I know how to spell 'add'."

"No, you idiot. I stands for attention deficit disorder."

I stared at him blankly.

He sighed. "It means you have to constantly be doing something or you'll get bored."

"Isn't everyone like that?"

"Not when you have a hundred years of practice," Edward said.

"Shut up. Let's just get this over with. I don't even know why we're shopping for gifts. Alice is gonna see your gift, Jasper. And Bella only wants one thing right now-"

SMACK!

"Ow! My nose!" Edward glared at me. He's been glaring at me a lot lately. Maybe because I can't stop remembering that time I saw Bella naked-

SMACK!

"Ow! Stop doing that!"

"Having A.D.D. also impairs your ability to keep your mind on one thing. So I guess you can't have it."

"Ha ha. Very funny. Now can we go? I have no clue what to give Rose."

"Don't worry," Edward said. "I do."

"How the hell do you know?"

He tapped his head three times. Oh yeah.

"Fine. Then let's hurry this up. I just got Modern Warfare 2 and I wanna destroy you guys in it!"

"Yeah," Jasper started. "Nothing says Valentine's Day like blowing terrorists up."

* * *

"Alice! What are you doing?"

"Relax Bella. I'm just adding some things for you and Edward's picnic."

I sighed. "Do I even want to know?"

"Probably not. But you'll find out eventually."

"Great. Why don't you worry about your own valentine."

She turned to me. "For your information, I have me and Jasper's day planned out perfectly. I've been planning it for three months."

"Jeez Alice. Don't you have anything better to do?"

"Oh yeah? And what do your hobbies include?"

It's times like these I'm glad I can't blush anymore.

"That's what I thought. Now go get ready for your date. The boys are coming home in an hour."

* * *

I opened the front door and dive bombed onto the couch. The XBox was on before Edward and Jasper even got through the door.

"Alright. Me versus both of you. Winner gets five bucks."

"Seriously?" Edward said. "It's Valentine's Day, man."

"And what would we do with five bucks?" Jasper added.

"Fine. I'll just play by myself."

"Isn't that how you spend every Valentine's Day?" Jasper said.

I threw the controller at him.

* * *

A picnic? This sounds interesting.

I was thinking this as I opened the front door and saw my daughter.

"What are you doing, Nessie? I thought you were hunting with Jake and Rose."

"They had an accident. Could you bring some clothes?"

* * *

Several amounts of time earlier...

"Stupid dog! Stop stealing my food!"

I snickered. I never thought Rosalie could be even more of a bitch, but I was proved wrong when we first went hunting together. Dead wrong. I don't know what Bella and Alice need to do that's so important that we needed to leave, and I'm not sure I wanna know. I do know that if Nessie wasn't with us too, me and Rose would have killed each other by now.

"Jake..." Nessie whined. She placed her hand against my snout. _Don't be such a pussy._ I burst out laughing. Lately, that's been her favorite word. It's a good thing she told Rose she heard Emmett hear it instead of me. I know Edward wouldn't be as forgiving with me.

"What's so funny, mutt?"

I hate when she asks me questions in my wolf form, like I can actually answer her. I just growled at her.

"Fine then. If you're gonna steal my food, I'll just steal something of yours."

What is she talking a-

WOOSH!

And then she was gone. I looked around and saw Nessie holding back a laugh.

She put her hand to my nose again. Oh crap.

I looked at my leg. Yup, my pants were gone.

I looked back to Nessie. She pointed somewhere in the forest and I started running.

I could smell her. The smell which I know call "Bitch and Blond." I knew I was getting closer.

When I passed one of the trees, I saw Rosalie had stopped. I screeched to a halt. I changed back and walked towards her.

"Give me my pants, blondie."

"Ohhhhhhh. How original." She waved them in the air. "Is this what you want?" She then ripped them in half. "Whoops."

I lunged at her. Apparently, she doesn't know it's a bad idea to piss off a werewolf.

The next thing I knew, I was in my wolf form. I looked up to see Rosalie madder than I've ever seen her. Coincidentally, she was also nakeder than I've ever seen her. I knew I was going to get hell at least five times over, but I couldn't look away. That is, until she ran behind the tree.

"YOU IDIOT! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING!"

* * *

As I got close enough, I was bombarded with a barrage of Rose thoughts. It was also mixed with thoughts about cats, video games, penguins, and the Titanic. He was trying to control his brain and failing miserably.

"Ugg."

"What is it?"

I sighed. "I'm seeing more of Rosalie than I ever wanted to."

"Yikes. Poor Jake."

"Poor me."

"I'll take Rose, you handle Jacob."

"Oh, I'll handle Jacob alright."

"Be nice Edward, or you can forget about the picnic."

I sighed again.

We split up and I got to Jake. His was lying down as a wolf with his hands over his head. He heard me and looked up.

_Did I tell you how much I hate your power?_

"Every chance you get, you little pervert."

_It's not my fault! She made me angry._

"Doesn't mean you have to keep thinking about it."

_I'm a guy. Sue me._

"So am I. You don't see me having a problem."

_Well, I was born in the 90's where porn was just a click away._

"Is that seriously your excuse?"

_Do I need a better one?_

"No. Just take your pants and walk away with your tail between your legs."

_Oh har har. How long have you been waiting to say that?_

"When did you imprint on my daughter?"

_Touché._

I threw him the pants and he ran into the forest. What a great Valentine's Day.

* * *

"Come on! Come on! Come on! Dammit! I died."

I've been playing this game for a half an hour and I'm still on level one. How the hell are you supposed to play this? I can't see the bad guys and they keep shooting at me. I think I should stick to Rock Band.

Just then, the front door slammed open. Rosalie walked in...naked? Bella was right behind her.

"Rose, it's not that bad-"

"Shut up and leave me alone."

They disappeared upstairs.

I sat for a bit.

I shook my head and said "best Valentine's Day ever."

* * *

I laughed hysterically at Emmett. He is such an idiot.

"Well," Alice said. "Isn't this the best Valentine's Day ever?"

I tried to stop laughing. "Absolutely. We should do this every year."

"That won't work. I don't know if it'll be this funny yet."

"At least we'll still have the cameras. That is, if no one finds them."

"I don't think anyone will. But at least we still have this for now."

"So right."

Having a physic wife is awesome. She was able to accurately place cameras all throughout our house and the woods to see every funny thing that our family did.

It was perfect. Until...

The garage door opened. It was Carlisle. They must have just gotten back from Isle Esme. It was at this point I wished we were wearing clothes.

* * *

I wrote this and then forgot about Alice and Jasper. Luckily, I remembered them in the end. And Carlisle finally got back from Isle Esme since they left at Christmas. Yeah, they liked the break. So review and... Well, I don't really care what you do after that. Just review.


	3. St Patrick's Day 2010

Happy St. Patrick's Day!! (WTF That was on Wednesday. Why so late?) Do you really care? Didn't think so. Now, if you haven't figured out by now, this story is not 100% about holidays. It's more of a story where I only show certain days of this story. The holiday ones. And I can't "update soon" as some people have reviewed. I can't make holidays come sooner. But at least you know when I'm (supposed to) update.

Enough jib-jab.

* * *

"Come on boys!" I screamed from the doorway. "It's time to celebrate the greatest holiday of all time!"

Edward rolled his eyes. "Saint Patrick's Day isn't even a _real_ holiday, Emmett."

"What are you talking about? You get to go out and get drunk. Well, humans can anyway."

"Exactly," Jasper said. "What's the point?"

"We don't need alcohol. We'll get drunk off blood."

"You are such an idiot."

"At least I wasn't caught naked with my wife playing God."

The Jasper scowl that I've known to love showed up on his face. So, I laughed.

Edward sighed. "Let's just go."

"Whoa! I think someone's in a bad mood."

"Shove it, Emmett."

"Big words for someone so weak."

"You wanna fight?"

I laughed. "You can not be serious."

"I can kick your ass in no time."

"Okay, Edward. What's up?" Jasper asked.

He sighed again. "It's Bella. Ever since she saw Rosalie...umm...'exposed' at Valentine's, she's been a little self-conscience."

I could feel the smile tug at the corners of my mouth.

"Yes Emmett," Edward scowled. "Be proud that your wife drove mine into depression."

"It's not like that, dude. I'm sorry. I could get Rose to talk to her if that would help."

He smiled slightly. "Thanks Emm. You may be a horny idiot, but at least you try to care."

"That's what I'm here for. Now let's go get blood drunk!"

* * *

There were three knocks at the door.

"Go away!" I screamed.

"Bella, please let me talk to you." It was Alice.

"Fine."

In a speed I would have missed if I was human, Alice came into my room, sat down on the bed next to me, and put her arms around me.

"Oh Bella. Please don't cry."

"I can't cry. I'm a vampire, remember?"

She sat back. "You know what I mean."

I sighed. "Well, you're here. What do you wanna tell me?"

SLAP!

I grabbed my cheek. "What the hell was that for!?"

"For being an idiot!"

"You suck at making people feel better."

"Listen Bella. I thought we got rid of all your insecurities before your wedding. What happened?"

I sniffed. I don't know why. There's nothing in my nose anymore.

"It's just...Rose is so beautiful, and I'm-"

"Bella! Don't you dare think like that." She grabbed my cheeks and turned my face towards her. "Now, who did Edward fall in love with?"

I went to say 'me' but Alice was squeezing my cheeks so hard that it came out "mmmm?"

"And who did Edward marry?"

"Mmmm?"

"And who has Edward spent the last century with and never showed any interest?"

"Roooosh?"

"Exactly. Now give me a hug and get ready. We gotta go help the boys."

* * *

"We should have never left the island."

"Come on. It's not that bad."

"Half of our children were buck naked! We can't leave then alone without them going crazy."

Esme sighed. When we got home after our 'extended' vacation, we were greeted by Alice and Jasper watching everything everyone else was doing at all times. Not to mention, they were completely nude to, quote unquote, "make it more interesting." On top of that, Jacob and Rosalie got into some type of naked fight. I didn't want to hear any details.

All in all, we shouldn't have left the island. Where have I heard that before?

"We should have stayed on the island."

"Shut up, Carlisle. You're starting to sound like a Lost re-run."

"_That's_ where I heard it."

* * *

"Oh my God," I groaned. "I am stuffed!"

"You better be," Jasper said. "Cause I think we've drained every animal from lion to chipmunk in all of Washington."

"You know Emmett," Edward said. "You're right. Saint Patrick's Day is a real holiday."

"Ha ha! I'm always right, Eddie boy. Don't you ever forget it."

"Alright, so how are we gonna get home?" Jasper asked.

"What the hell do you mean?"

"Do you feel like running right now? We gotta be at least one-hundred miles from home."

I groaned and rolled over. "I hate when you're right."

Out of nowhere, Edward said, "You gotta be kidding me."

I turned my head from the ground. "What?"

He sighed. "The girls are coming to help us."

"How are they supposed to help?"

Rose burst through the trees. "We're gonna carry you fatzos back."

I groaned again. We all did. There was no way we were ever gonna live this down.

* * *

I plopped down on the couch. Oh how I wish I could sleep at times like this.

"How great is this, girls?" Rose said. "We're here solving problems while our men are off getting drunk."

"Excuse me for being American!"

"By celebrating an Irish holiday?"

"Drinking is the most American thing you can do. It's not my fault-"

"Hold on a sec!" Edward screamed from the floor. He jolted up into a sitting position with a scared look in his eyes. "Where's Nessie?"

"She's with Jake," Bella replied. "Why?"

"Okay. Where's Jacob?"

"Down at the res. Are you going somewhere with this?"

"Oh no," Alice said.

Her vision was too late.

Nessie stumbled through the door, drunk off her ass! I plugged my ears, because I knew what was coming.

"JACOB BLACK!!!!!"

* * *

"Cheers to Jake's first Saint Pattie's Day as a wolf where there isn't any damn vampires trying to kill all of us!"

Everyone chugged their drink, and half of us ended up spitting it out when we heard "JACOB BLACK!!!!!"

They all turned to me. I looked to the chair where I left Nessie. Empty.

"Oh crap."

"Look on the bright side," Embry said. "Pay attention to how mad Edward is. Because I can guaranty that when you start to bone Nessie, he's gonna be three times as mad."

"Shut it!"

I ran out of there as fast as I could. The whole Nessie situation didn't make me wanna stop drinking, but when I ran into a tree going one-hundred plus miles an hour, I vowed to never drink again.

* * *

That was a bit of a cliffie wasn't it? Oh, well. Guess you'll have to wait til Easter. And if you're not religious, that's ok. Some of the Cullens aren't either. You'll see.


	4. Easter 2010

Happy Easter! I can't write much now, so yeah.

* * *

Edward, Bella, Nessie, and Jacob were at the house. Where were the rest of us you may ask? We were as far away from there as possible. In all my years living with Edward, I've learned that when he's mad, he's furious! And if you mess with him while he's mad, you're done for.

But that was a couple weeks ago. Edward's slowly calming down and Jacob is keeping his distance. Bella is stuck at the crossroads of 'It's not that bad Edward' and 'You pathetic irresponsible mutt!' Those vampire emotions can change dramatically for no reason some times. It's very amusing.

As of right now, me and Jacob are playing the new Final Fantasy game. I'm kicking his ass. All the while I'm making jokes about him and Nessie. Everything from 'Trying to get her drunk already?' to 'She can sure hold her liquor, can't she?' An overall average day. Until...

I could hear it from a mile away. Bella was saying something, but I didn't care enough to listen. It wasn't until they got closer that I realized Bella was trying to calm Edward down again. Only this time, it wasn't helping.

I shut off the XBOX and got up to stand at the far end of the wall.

Jacob looked at me surprised. "What the hell, Emm? What's your probl-" That's all he got out before the front door opened. Excuse me, the front door _exploded_! One piece landed on the other side of the room and the other was barely hanging on one hinge.

Edward stormed in and tackled Jacob to the ground. He gripped his neck and shoved his head on the floor. "What did you do to my daughter, you son of a bitch?" His voice was not unlike a demon's at the moment.

Jacob looked like he was staring death in the face. "D-d-d-d-dude! Edward! I-I-I thought we got past this."

Edward slammed his head into the floor again. Bella was at the door.

"Edward! Stop it!"

"Shut up!" He screamed back.

"Oh, shit." I didn't know I said that out loud. Edward never talks to Bella like that. I got ready to help if things ended up to be as bad as I expected.

Jacob looked even more terrified, which I thought was impossible. "Edward, I'm sorry! Please don't hurt me!"

"I know what I got to say to you mutt?" Edward leaned down close to his face. He smiled wickedly, and in a voice that only vampires (and werewolves) could hear, he said "April fools."

* * *

"Happy Easter!" Alice said coming down the stairs. I laughed at her. She was wearing a pair of bunny ears with a little cotton tail on her butt.

"What's up with the get-up?"

"I would never miss an opportunity to dress up."

"But Easter?"

She shook her tail at me. "You're just jealous."

"Oh yeah. Cause I've always wanted to look like a bunny."

"It's nice to hear you finally admit, Emmett," Edward said walking into the dining room.

"Har har. So is Mr. Craps-his-pants going to be joining us this evening?" That's what I've been calling Jacob since April Fools. Because, low and behold, we could all smell it and it just will not go away. But I shouldn't make fun of Jake. If I could, I probably would have crapped my pants too.

"Stop calling him that," Bella said from behind Edward. She was in on the joke too. "I feel horrible about that."

"Why?" Edward asked. "You saw what he did to Nessie. He deserved some fear knocked into him. I just didn't expect the fear being pushed in would push out a load." He started giggling towards the end. Bella hit him.

"You are such an ass."

"You're just figuring that out," Rose said walking in.

"Hey baby! Ready to paint some eggs?"

"Emmett! I'm so proud of you! No sexual innuendo. You're learning."

"No I'm not. I'm just still a little shaken up from Edward's 'prank.'" I used air quotes.

He rolled his eyes. "I'm sure we'll all laugh about this eventually."

"I'm already laughing about this! Jake on the other hand may be scarred for life."

"Don't be so over drama-" He turned towards Alice. "What's up with the bunny outfit?"

"You're just noticing?" Alice sounded hurt.

"I was a little preoccupied with Tweedledum over there."

"Oh," Jasper said walking in. "Did you see that movie?"

"I did. It was cool, but the 3D never works for us so..."

It was true. We can easily see straight through the glasses without getting any of the 'whoa!' effect.

Edward chuckled. "The 'whoa' effect, Emmett? Really?"

"What?"

"Enough talk," Carlisle said joining us. Esme was with him. "Let's get to the eggs."

"Aren't we forgetting someone?" I asked.

They all stared at me like I was crazy. That was until Edward read my thoughts, then his eyes grew ten times their size. "Bella, where's Nessie?"

"Oh crap!"

* * *

"Mommy and Daddy are in trouble," Nessie sang. I was smiling like the cat that ate the canary.

I was running my rounds when I happened upon Nessie alone in the woods. Her so-called responsible parents left her there when they went hunting. Admittingly, this isn't as bad as what I did, but added to that stupid April Fool's prank, I think we may be even now.

Nessie looked up at me with a grin almost as big as mine. "Are you gonna pull a prank on Daddy?"

I stopped in my tracks. I didn't even think of that. I knelled down next to her. "What did you have in mind?"

She touched my cheek.

* * *

Everyone ran outside...except for me. I was laughing my ass off! I know I shouldn't, but just the fact that they left Nessie, they're only child, in the woods is priceless.

They didn't get far. Jake and Nessie were waiting for them right out front. I ran to see.

"Lose something, Eddie?" Jacob said smugly.

Edward ran to Nessie and picked her up saying that he was sorry or something. Lovey-dovey father stuff.

"I guess were even now Edward."

"Thank you Jacob. And yes, I admit that what I did was a little...extreme."

"Apology accepted."

"Okay," I said. "Now can we paint some eggs?"

We all went back to the dining room and sat down. We all got started, but Bella, Jacob, and Nessie looked confused. This was their first Easter with us. Edward explained.

"Every Easter, we each paint one egg. Then we go outside and see who can throw their's the farthest."

"Yup," I said. "Just like Jesus would have wanted."

Edward rolled his eyes. "Not another one of your atheist rants."

"No no no. I was just saying that eggs and bunnies seem like a very odd way to celebrate the rising of your messiah."

"For your information, eggs were considered a symbol of rebirth long before Jesus."

"Okay. What about the bunny?"

"That, I have no idea."

"Exactly."

Nessie turned to Bella. "Mommy, who's Jesus?"

I laughed. "Looks like you guys are going to hell. Isn't that one of the deadly sins? Not shoving Christianity down your children's throats?"

"Shut up, Emmett!" Literally everyone said it. I laughed again.

I sat and finished my egg. It was a picture of Rose naked, but it could have easily been mistaken for a flamingo eating a walrus. I'm not the best artist.

We all headed outside. I was the leading champ for the last... Oh wait! I can't remember the last time I lost. Hahaha!

I went first. It hit somewhere on the mountain. I ran out to it and stayed by it, watching everyone else's pathetic throws not even coming close to mine.

Once I was sure I won (again), something impossible happened. An egg whirled right past my head and hit a good 200 feet farther then mine. What the- I ran to it as fast as I could. I never lose. I must have imagined it. But there it was. The broken egg that beat me. I picked up the shell pieces to see who threw it. The drawing was so good that I could easily identify it. A picture of Edward and Bella holding hands.

* * *

We were all laughing as we walked to our cabin. The look on Emmett's face when he saw that Nessie actually threw her egg farther than him was hilarious. It looks like we have a new champion in the family.

When I opened our front door, I jumped back and grabbed my nose. Wolf. It was everywhere. Bella smelt it too and groaned.

"What _is_ that?"

Nessie started laughing. "Me and Jake did it. He wanted to get back at you."

"But how? It's so strong and...UGG!

"He wanted to just roll around and stuff, but I convinced him to pee on your bed. He also told me to tell you that _now_ you're even."

* * *

I almost forgot about April Fools. Luckily, I slapped something in there. Please review and tell me I'm awesome!


	5. Story Updates

Attention readers! A lot has been going on in my life and in short, I don't have any motivation to write anymore. I would love nothing more than to finish my stories, but with college going on, I don't have much time.

Here are my future plans for my stories:

After Lizzie: May or may not be finished

Being Single Sucks: May or may not be finished

Cullen Holidays: Hiatus

Dusk: Hiatus

Fan Fiction Playlist: Done

Fiction Fixer: Will be rewritten

Fun With Emmett: Hiatus

Green Knights of Day: Hiatus

Hunger Games Playlist: Done (Might write more songs after seeing the movie)

Inuyasha Playlist: Done

Johnny Emm's Music Videos: Hiatus

Love is Messed Up: Might be moving to FictionPress. Look me up on there too

Love Prisoner: Will be finished

O N Labbit Playlist: Done

The Collector: Will be rewritten as a short story

The Floor: Hiatus

The Napier Coven: Will be rewritten and possibly renamed

The Red Line Playlist: Done

The Sixty-Ninth Hunger Games: Will be finished

Twilight 101: Done

Under the Dome Playlist: Done

War On the Homefront: May or may not be finished

Welcome To My Life: Will be moved over to FictionPress

If I missed anything or if there's anything else you want to tell me, PM me. Remember, I need the support of my fans for this :)


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